Period Life Coach

This post is about periods. If you don't like hearing about periods, I think you're stupid. 

Anyway, one of my imaginary passion projects is to become a period life coach. I have mastered my own period and would love to spread my wisdom to others. Here are all of my best tips:

Prep, Prep, Prep

Get a period tracking app that will notify you three days before your period should start

Clear your schedule, don't make plans with anyone

Splurge on the fanciest pads or tampons

Buy the snacks, alcohol and drugs you think you'll want to eat, drink and smoke

Have painkillers, a heating pad and an ice pack ready

Lay out comfortable clothing and slippers made of soft, luxurious fabrics 

Plan what you will watch on Netflix or movies you'll rent or illegally torrent

Clean your apartment and do laundry so you won't feel depressed about it as you lay lifelessly on your bed/couch

Proactively finish anything that has a deadline that will fall in your period window

Coping With PMS

Isolate yourself from the world as much as possible

If you find yourself angry with someone, it is probably not real, let it go

If you feel like someone you love hates you, it is probably not real, let it go

If you feel like your life is in shambles and you will never amount to anything, it is probably not real, let it go

If you feel like you should quit your job or end a relationship, it is probably not real, let it go

When It Begins

Take your painkiller of choice at the first sign of bloodpocalypse

Immediately abandon whatever it is you are doing and go home

Get into your comfortable, preplanned period clothes

If you have cramps, lay on a heating pad

If you have a migraine, wrap icepacks around your head

Cover all the mirrors in your home with black fabric

Make Yourself Feel Good

Lay atop an oval nest of pillows that cradle your weary limbs and cocoon you from the outside world

Wrap yourself in only the most sumptuous silks and furs 

Do a facial mask or hair conditioning mask

Take a hot bath with calming aromatic bath salts

Paint your nails a fun color that will make you forget what the rest of your body looks like

Light an array of candles throughout your home so that everything smells nice and looks pretty

DON'Ts

Don't talk to ex-bfs, ex-gfs, ex-friends or estranged relatives

Don't have any major conversations

Don't make any important decisions

Don't say anything you can't take back

Don't be around anyone you're not extremely comfortable with

Don't try on any form fitting clothing

Don't look in any mirrors

Don't guilt-spiral about things you should be doing

Don't think too much about the future

Don't do anything you don't want to do

DOs

Make everything look nice

Make everything smell nice

Make everything feel nice

Binge on TV and movies

Eat whatever you want

Now go make your period your bitch.