Period Life Coach
This post is about periods. If you don't like hearing about periods, I think you're stupid.Â
Anyway, one of my imaginary passion projects is to become a period life coach. I have mastered my own period and would love to spread my wisdom to others. Here are all of my best tips:
Prep, Prep, Prep
Get a period tracking app that will notify you three days before your period should start
Clear your schedule, don't make plans with anyone
Splurge on the fanciest pads or tampons
Buy the snacks, alcohol and drugs you think you'll want to eat, drink and smoke
Have painkillers, a heating pad and an ice pack ready
Lay out comfortable clothing and slippers made of soft, luxurious fabricsÂ
Plan what you will watch on Netflix or movies you'll rent or illegally torrent
Clean your apartment and do laundry so you won't feel depressed about it as you lay lifelessly on your bed/couch
Proactively finish anything that has a deadline that will fall in your period window
Coping With PMS
Isolate yourself from the world as much as possible
If you find yourself angry with someone, it is probably not real, let it go
If you feel like someone you love hates you, it is probably not real, let it go
If you feel like your life is in shambles and you will never amount to anything, it is probably not real, let it go
If you feel like you should quit your job or end a relationship, it is probably not real, let it go
When It Begins
Take your painkiller of choice at the first sign of bloodpocalypse
Immediately abandon whatever it is you are doing and go home
Get into your comfortable, preplanned period clothes
If you have cramps, lay on a heating pad
If you have a migraine, wrap icepacks around your head
Cover all the mirrors in your home with black fabric
Make Yourself Feel Good
Lay atop an oval nest of pillows that cradle your weary limbs and cocoon you from the outside world
Wrap yourself in only the most sumptuous silks and fursÂ
Do a facial mask or hair conditioning mask
Take a hot bath with calming aromatic bath salts
Paint your nails a fun color that will make you forget what the rest of your body looks like
Light an array of candles throughout your home so that everything smells nice and looks pretty
DON'Ts
Don't talk to ex-bfs, ex-gfs, ex-friends or estranged relatives
Don't have any major conversations
Don't make any important decisions
Don't say anything you can't take back
Don't be around anyone you're not extremely comfortable with
Don't try on any form fitting clothing
Don't look in any mirrors
Don't guilt-spiral about things you should be doing
Don't think too much about the future
Don't do anything you don't want to do
DOs
Make everything look nice
Make everything smell nice
Make everything feel nice
Binge on TV and movies
Eat whatever you want
Now go make your period your bitch.